Sometimes You Just Have To Know What You Are Dealing With

Have you ever reached a point in life when you know that it’s better to be apart from your mate than to battle the uphill battle. Well when it comes that time make sure you know what you are dealing with. It’s never easy to end any relationship so make sure you know what you are doing. I on the other hand have mishandled many relationship breakups in my time because when it was finally over, I realized that I didn’t really know her as well as I thought I did.

Before I give you any information I want you to be sure your mate isn’t crazy. When I say crazy let me explain. When I was in school a whole lot of years ago I had this chick that I used to date. She seemed like she was cool. If I asked for something, she got it. If I needed her to do something for me, she did it. I never saw a bad side of her. She was a little clingy but reliable.

After about a year of dating, we decided to call it splitsville. My situation is different from yours because we didn’t live together but things still got a little crazy. I could be leaving practice with my boys and walking to the cafeteria and this chick would just pop up out of nowhere like the predator. I mean from behind bushes, trees, or just in plain sight. She would just magically appear. I was at the movies one night and looked up and she was two rows over. When I got to the car on my way out there would be a note. She would be like “Joe, can I speak with you for a minute?” I would basically ignore her, and I would think to myself that she gets the point. This went on for a couple of months then I realized that it wasn’t going to stop so I got a little concerned.

One night I went out to get in my car and noticed my car was gone. I was like WTF???? I’m thinking I wasn’t drinking last night so where the heck is my car. I called the campus police and they notified the Durham Police Department. We looked for my car all day, then all of a sudden we come back to the student parking lot and my car is parked in a different spot and the lights are on.

Everyone is tripping out about this time. Later on that night I get a call from her saying that she borrowed my car to run a few errands. I’m like how the heck did you get my keys, she was like well that one day last year when you let me drive your car, I took the liberty of making myself a key.

So I call my self being slick and I decide to act like things are good and I go to her house and make a play on her. She gets excited, and goes straight to the shower preparing to get sexy. This is when I go on the hunt for my key. I look in the top drawer and low and behold I find a key. I look in the next drawer and there lies another car key. Now I am looking confused. How many keys did this young lady make? So finally I look in her jewelry box and this chick had 12 copies of my car key made. I poured them all in my night bag and ran the hell out of her house. I then jumped in my car and I thought that it was over.

Boy was I wrong. Two days later I had this sexy young lady in my room. Of course you weren’t supposed to have girls in your room unless they signed in but we don’t always follow the rules so it is what it is. My ex catches wind that this young lady is in my room and goes to get security to escort her to my room. She told them she neede to get into my room because she left her asthma pump in the room over the weekend and she wasn’t feeling good, and security fell for it. Luckily the young lady had already left the room but when she got outside to her car she got a big surprise. My ex had let the air out of all 4 tires on her car. Not to mention, she had the nerve to key her name on the car. I guess that’s her signature move. (She obviously hadn’t seen Law and Order or CSI). You are probably thinking now: “he is making this junk up, this didn’t happen.” If you went to school with me, you know this is true.

That wasn’t the end though. A whole year passed and I had moved on and started another relationship. It’s the end of my senior school year and we had our end of year sports banquet. That night I received 5 awards, all of which I left in my car for the night. I go to my car the next morning and they are all gone. I know I left them in the trunk, how did someone steal them without breaking the trunk or windows? I looked around in the trunk and there was a note. It read: “There was one more car key under the bed. If you would have stayed a little longer you would have gotten it and some a** too. I have your trophies; they are all in my new apartment. The address is on the back, if you want them, and I am sure you do, you have to come and spend the night with me one last time. You have to sex me to sleep and then you can walk out with them and your car key, no questions asked.” Those trophies have still yet to be recovered. So if you are reading this post and it is you, can you please send me my stuff? OK … Enough about me… Let me help you.

This being said you are going to want to have stories like this to tell so I am going to help you get under your mate’s skin but still be civil if it’s at all possible. However if you know your mate is crazy, do not attempt any of the following.

Well, don’t miss out on the opportunity for some entertainment. The moving-out scene is one of the high-drama points of life. Ideal conditions under which to split for maximum comedy value:

  • The first thing you should do is show up to get your things with your new friend. Make sure that your ex-mate gets a good look at who they lost you to. It’s going be hectic at first but take pride in knowing that you are getting the leg up by showing you are over them first.
  • Look right through your mate. Don’t show any concern. Yeah you might be hurting a little on the inside but don’t show any weakness. Stand up strong. Any signs of weakness make you look vulnerable and we can’t have that now can we?
  • With your new partner helping you, you are giving them every opportunity to get into a big fight over you! Slide a few kisses and hugs their way. Grab a butt cheek every now and then. Look happy even if you are miserable inside.

Bonus points for all of the above happening. But seriously if you do this we will probably see you on the 6’oclock news. But I digress. Now as for your stuff, that’s a different story. Depending on what and whose, the stuff is going to end up getting distributed like this:

  • Electronics – Be fair. Even if you bought the majority of the major electronics for the crib, make sure you leave them a few just because it’s the right thing to do. It also gives them something to remember you by down the line.
  • Cookware – Leave it to the lady. Believe me when I tell you that you will be better for it.
  • Clothes – May or may not survive, depending on the circumstances. If you’re being thrown out for cheating, expect clothes to be destroyed or vandalized in some creative, sadistic way. Otherwise, there’ll be no struggle.
  • Toys – Get your major video packages and pack them early. As for the sex toys. Put them on display. Lay them out on the bed and let the partner get one last look at them. Then pack them up as you see fit. Plus this will get your new partner excited.
  • Food – Always stays in the place where it originated. You aren’t going to want it and to be safe you shouldn’t eat it anyways. You don’t know what your ex-mate had in store for you.

Be safe and may your next adventure be life long.

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2 thoughts on “Sometimes You Just Have To Know What You Are Dealing With

  1. Keith September 19, 2012 / 5:51 am

    Man, that story is crazy!

    • Joe Simmons September 19, 2012 / 9:27 am

      Keith man… I thought I was going to die at one point man.. It was crazy

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