Step Your Game Up… I’m Tired of Playing This One

It’s not often that I have a guest bless the microphone and give out information to our fan base, but for the next few days, we are going to allow a few people we know and trust to give you more insight on issues that I myself cannot answer. Each person was carefully selected because I thought they would be the best person for the job and none have let me down as of yet. Today we hear from Jannah.

The Latest Ask Bull City Question: “How does a woman in her young 30’s get a man to step his game up and be serious about commitment? Seriously I frequent the clubs because I love to dance, I am God –fearing church woman who attends church on Sunday, and I work out on a regular basis. Most people tell me that I am nice looking, so what is it with men and commitment these days?”

Reader,

If you get nothing else from this, please understand that a woman cannot get a man to “step his game up and be serious” and we need to stop thinking that we can. No matter how great you may think you are and how much “wifey” potential you may think you possess, it doesn’t work that way.  He has to make that choice.  You certainly could be a catalyst, or come around at the right time but when a man is ready to settle down, he will.  If not, he will continue to do as you allow him to, in his dealings with you.  If a man tells you he is not ready to commit, is emotionally unavailable or just not interested in a serious relationship and you continue to pursue him anyway, the unlikely outcome will be your own fault.  He will get his needs fulfilled for the time being because he was honest with you. While you continue to cook for him, buy gifts, and give up the cookies with nothing in return, he feels he did his part.  Don’t think you can change his mind with your famous fried chicken and sexy high heels, it’s not that easy.

Yeah, you may have a lot going for yourself and be nice looking.  That also describes me ….and Tiffany down the street…..and Julissa at the gym, but that has nothing to do getting the commitment you seek from a man.  Some men have a more in depth evaluation they conduct before committing, including how you are with your finances, your education background, and lifestyle, etc .  Some men don’t.  There could be a myriad of factors that a man considers when he is thinking about genuinely committing to one woman, out of this sea of great women.  We all have standards and preferences. We all have people we click with or don’t. The time frame to discover these things varies from man to man, so it’s unfair to say that commitment is an issue with men in general.  It may be just the men YOU are dating.

Or….maybe it’s you. Too often we point a finger at someone else as opposed to looking in the mirror.  Take a look at yourself.  What part do you play in this problem?  Continue to strengthen your great qualities and make sure you are bringing to the table what you desire in a partner.  Learn from those past relationships where you could have improved.  Make changes accordingly instead of the same mistakes over and over again.  Those lessons are practice for the real deal.  How do you know you are ready for commitment yourself?  What does that word mean to you? Have you subdued your own insecurities?  Do you love yourself and have the confidence to be someone’s queen and treated as such?  Be able to answer these questions and work on yourself, as to be ready to attract the type of man that would compliment you.

Each individual is different and past experiences will shape their perception of what commitment is and when it should come into play, if at all.  It is important that you state early on in a budding relationship, what you’re intentions are.  If you are not interested for a cut-buddy or just a “good friend” don’t be afraid to let that man know.  If it scares him off then so be it, he wasn’t the one for you.  If the “commitment conversation” takes place deeper in the relationship and you two are not on the same page, do not further invest your time, effort, and money if you truly want more.  Don’t stick around thinking he will fall in love eventually, setting you up for disappointment. This can lead to bitterness and resentment stunting your self-growth and blocking you from the one meant for you!  Never settle just to say you have a man. Stop wasting your time and start living your life.  Redirect your focus and energy to yourself and what’s important to you and you will meet the one ready to give you what you need.  If at any time you have to worry and wonder about a man “stepping his game UP” it’s time for you to pick your feet UP….and keep it moving.

~Jannah Bierens

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